For the next several months in our Grief at Home column, we are going to focus on some of the most commonly experienced emotions in grief and how you can support your child through these emotions.
This month, we are going to talk about anger. While anger isn’t usually the first emotion we associate with grief, feeling anger in grief is actually very common. We feel anger when something feels unfair…and the death of a loved one certainly feels unfair, especially to a child! At COJ we believe that all emotions are okay but all behavior is not. If your child is expressing their anger in constructive ways, please encourage them in this! However, if they are hurting themselves, others, or property due to their anger, then they are demonstrating that they need extra support with their angry feelings.
It is always good to start with validating your child’s angry feelings. Again, we may not agree with the specific expression of their anger and therefore may not want to validate that, but when we tap into our empathy, we can usually understand why they feel angry and can let them know that anger in this situation makes sense. Sometimes validation, kindness, and patience with an angry child can go a long way. It may also be helpful to discuss with your child when they are calm about what they can do to calm themselves down, and what you can do when they feel angry to help them to calm down. Would a hug be helpful, or would they rather be left alone? Should you play music for them, or would a quiet space be more helpful? Would it be helpful for them to have drawing or writing materials, or would doing something physical – like jumping jacks – be helpful? Stay patient; your child may not know what feels most helpful so it may take multiple tries before the two of you start to figure it out. But we have confidence that you can be the calm in your child’s storm as they navigate their angry feelings.